Parents For Life

Week 6 - Discipline

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A)  Discipline Is based in God's Authority, Not our Power.

1. How many times do you have to threaten before your child obeys? How loud do you have to be to get your child to pay attention? This is not discipline. Too often we react to our child's negative behavior and make 'on the spot' decisions about what to do or say. We are to exercise parental authority God's way, in His time, and for His purpose. Exercising authority in a heavy-handed way intimidates a small child. We can be loving, gentle, fair teachers of truth who communicate God's way to a child.

B)  Proactive or Reactive?

1. Setting boundaries to help them is proactive parenting. Boundaries are drawn in advance. Consequences are known in advance.
2. Being reactive means i) trying to make immediate decisions about correction and consequences. ii) responding to our emotions instead of our child's needs. iii) attempting to make quick decisions instead of implementing prior decisions.
3. You must agree as parents how our will discipline your child(ren). Proactive decisions must be made ahead of time. Children recognize when parents don't agree and will play one parent against the other. Your goal is develop your child's character not teach him/her to manipulate the system.

C)  Discipline takes time

1. Immediate gratification is taught by the world with fast foods, instant answers, and microwave meals. Instant credit brings long-term debt and short-term. Gratifying our wants can bring momentary pleasure but long-term tragic consequences. Giving a child what he/she wants to pacify him/her will never teach here the virtues of patience.  
2. Discipline takes time, effort, and patience. The fruit is godly character. As parent, be willing to pay the price of godly discipline. Though it may cost short-term pain of time, hard work, and consistent effort, the reward will be great. What you sow into your child will be reaped in godly character.

D)  Steps in Discipline

1. Discipline is not punishment. Punishment purposes to hurt and crush the spirit. Never discipline a child when reacting emotionally in anger to his words or behavior. When a parent punishes out of anger, a child only learns how not to provoke anger. If you are angry or distraught, do not discipline until you have dealt with these emotions. The goal of discipline is to bring a child to repentance and is meant to be a blessing.
2. Discipline must be accompanied by forgiveness. Forgiveness is never an option; it's a must. Forgiveness brings healing and restoration to our child's life. Forgiveness doesn't make you permissive, it makes you like the Father.
3. Discipline includes taking responsibility for actions. Ask the child to verbalize the previously agreed upon consequence for violating the boundary. This cause the child to accept responsibility for his or her action. Children will always offer excuses and seek exceptions from consequences, remember, you're the parents, the adults who must remain firm in discipline. You must be consistent in administering the previously stated consequences or you will train your children that truth is relative and consequences are optional.

E)  Levels of Discipline

1. Verbal Correction. Discipline uses rebuke first. Rebuke allows a child to correct behavior or attitude by his or her own choice.
2. Consequential Correction. If a child does not respond to rebuke, then chastening follows. Chastening such as isolation, grounding, or removal of privilege brings to light a wrong motive or attitude behind a child's words or behavior. Chastening explains the wrong and teaches the right, helping a child take responsibility for or her actions.
3. Physical Correction. Physical discipline (spanking) becomes necessary when rebuke and chastening fail to turn a child t o repentance. Never spank a child when you're angry or distraught. Take time to deal with your own emotions before bringing correction to your child. Physical discipline applied to simply hurt or crush the spirit is abuse. Spanking is a swat or two on the behind to show a child that the parent is serious about the child stopping the wrong behavior, repenting, and doing the right thing.
4. Training a young child requires immediate consequences for disobedience. Give a calm warning stating the consequence if the child fails to obey. If the child refuses to obey, take immediate action implementing the consequence. A spoon is a neutral object rather t han a parent's hand. 1 or 2 swats will sting but not abuse the child. As a child matures consequential correction works best.

F)  Discipline Changes as Children Grow and Mature

1. As children mature they can take a more proactive part in establishing boundaries and consequences. 
2. Contracts are proactive agreements made between parent and cild that state the expected behavior and the consequences for violating the contract.
3. Contract may also state rewards for obedience.
4. Another word for contract is promise. The child promises to obey and the parent promises to hold him accountable.
5. A contract helps a parent to put responsibility on the child for both making right decisions and for knowing the consequences for disobedience.
6. Contracts allow parents to teach responsibility in advance. They also keep parents from overreacting in the heat of anger or disappointment. 

G)  Discipline Corrects Attitudes s Well As Actions

1. An emerging negative attitude needs correction early or he child will assume the attitude is right. 
2. The parents must teach right attitudes and behavior or the world will.
3. You ultimately know a child's attitude by behavior not words. Note facial expressions, eye contact, body language-movement and position of hands and legs, gestures, tone of voice.
4. When a child is acting inappropriately, let them watch their behavior in a mirror. Children must learn to see themselves as others see them.
5. A child who obeys with a poor attitude is not submitted to authority.

H)  True Fear Of the Lord

1. The motivation for making right decisions is a desire to obey and please God, not just please parents. A child who fears parents simply avoids attracting the parent's attention so that parents will not suspect wrongdoing. In early years fearing a parent may control a child's behavior but as the child gets older, fear doesn't deter wrong behavior.
2. The child learns to hide unacceptable behavior from the parent and works hard not to get caught rather than to please God.
3. Fearing God teaches a child to respect both  God's character and His commands. It motivates a child to be righteous knowing that God not only knows everything he or she does but the inner thoughts and motives as well.
4. A child learns that fearing God produces wisdom, knowledge, and understanding to make right decisions in his or her life.

Fearing a parent instills a spirit of deception and deceit; fearing God inspires a respect for authority. Psalm 111:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; A good understanding have all those who do His commandments....."

Next lesson : Teaching.