Parents For Life

Week 8 - Release

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A) Prepare Your Child For Release

• Many parents are traumatized when their children leave home. But if they understand God's plan i.e. to prepare them to leave and each day we release them a bit more, then the final release to adulthood should be a blessing.
  
• Investing and releasing go hand-in-hand. Along the way there are important principles that will last your child a lifetime and make the time of release a real blessing for both parent and child. 
• You are raising adults, not children. By the time your children are in their teen years, your should have young adults living with you who can... (1) Handle money and a budget responsibly. (2) Work as a volunteer or for pay with integrity and productivity. (3) Take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts and behaviors. (4) Keep promises, fulfill contracts, and discipline themselves. (5) Be your friend, confidant, and colleague in ministry. (6) Serve others humbly and effectively. (7) Pray, minister, share, study the scriptures and witness of their faith. (8) Be trusted to choose friends who edify and encourage them. (9) Consistently make right decision.

B. The Goal of Healthy Families Is Interdependence

• Some parents can't wait to get rid of their children. Such parents are destined to be lonely in their old age. We are not raising children to be isolated islands in the sea of humanity. A spirit of independence has so permeated our families that everyone does what is right in his own eyes. That leads to selfishness and brokenness in families.
• Some parents dread the day their children leave home. Such parents are destined to grieve in their old age. Their fulfillment and happiness depends on their children. They want their children to be dependent so they will never leave them. A spirit of dependence doesn't hold families together, it only holds children in bondage.
• Interdependent families help one another throughout life.  They are friends for life. Each family member is part of the whole. They walk through life supporting, affirming, and helping one another.

C. Do Not Make Children the Center of your life [Exodus 20:21]

• Children don't always know what's best for them so they need parents.
• The truth is parents can't always make children happy. Children, like adults, are responsible for their own feelings. Neither can children make parents happy or sad.
• When we depend on our children for emotional support, we are placing a terrible burden on them. They cannot be free to live their own lives if they are responsible for ours.

D. Teach your children God is their source, not you [Philippians 4:6]

• Children need to know that God provides for you so your can provide for them. Help them to realize that everything first came from God.
• Consumers believe that they own everything. Stewards know that everything they own really belongs to God. Children who are consumers focus on their rights and possessions. Children what become stewards develop an attitude of gratitude and appreciate the privilege of managing that which belongs to another - God.
• Teach your children to be good stewards and to thank God for all His blessings. Show them that God uses parents, employers, the church, friends, and others as vessels of blessing to them. Your children are to be a blessing to others too. By focusing on God and not you as the source, they are free to share His blessings with others.

E. Develop your child's character [Galations 5:22-23]

• Joseph, Jesus' earthly father, was so transparent that Jesus clearly saw His Father through His dad. Jesus learned from His earthly parents how to be like His Father. 
• Character filled with the virtue of God and the fruit of the Spirit is the most precious gift we can give our child.
• When we say or do anything that is purely us and has nothing to do with Him, we need to admit that to our children. Admitting our mistakes helps them to see God more clearly and to act more like their heavenly Father and less like their earthly parents.

F. Let the challenges of today build a healthy tomorrow [Ecclesiastes 3:1-8]

• Problem-focused parents always concentrate on the child's problems. They constantly worry about the child's attitudes and behavior. Anything the child does or says that falls short of their expectations becomes a crisis.
• Purpose-focus parents know that trials, test, and tribulations are just passages to the next level of prosperity and success in a child's life. They know  the light afflictions of life simply works a greater glory in them [2 corinthians 4:8-9]. 
• Mountains that we climb together are not the problems-they are the means for strengthening us for the next climb.
• Purpose sees through trials to victory. 
• Purpose understands that tests are simply opportunities to pass  through to a higher level.
• When a child sees overcoming, ever-growing, stronger parents pushing through with them on purpose, that child will grow in his or her own  purpose.
• Eventually their on-purpose, God-given plans will, push them through from one breakthrough in life to the next.

G. Teach your child to manage money, not credit [Matthew 25] 

• Being cursed with debt means being a slave to be master other than God.
• Your child's debt will determine how much or how little that child must work to pay off the debt.
• The focus becomes getting money to pay off the debt instead of using money to bless others.
• Today's economy says to gather as much credit as you can and live to the maximum. You can pay for today's pleasures with reduced interest for the next six months. The trap is you stand in danger of paying for life's pleasures for the rest of your life.
• The Bible clearly teaches that we are to be lenders, not borrowers [Deuteronomy 28:13]
• We must teach our children how to manage money so they have it to use as God directs. 
• How you handle money will be an example to your children.

H. Make home the building block of the Church [1 Corinthians 3:16; 6:15&19]

• Church is not a place; it's a community.
• The family of God starts at home. We are the temple of the Holy Spirit [1 Corinthians 3:16&19] and a royal priesthood who are to minister to the Lord all the time. [1 Peter 2:5]
• Give your children to God and you'll always have them [Luke 15]
• The loving parent is willing to let a child go and run straight into the discipline of the Father.
• The loving parent is also always ready to let God do whatever it takes; wait for as long as it take, to forgive; to take back; to restore; and to celebrate a child's return with blessing.....not with "I told you so."

J. Gradually increase responsibility and privilege [Matthew 25:23]

• A right is something a person believes he deserves - a privilege is a gift he has shown he can handle responsibly.
• As a child matures and can responsibly handle more privilege, the parent can give more opportunities for that child to make right decisions. Example: (a) As a child takes more responsibility for the cleaning and care of her clothes, she has more privileges in shopping and selecting her own choice of clothes. (b) As a child takes responsibility for doing chores around the house, the child has more privileges in using things around the house like TV, computer, phone, etc.
• From early age, a child must know that privilege carries responsibility.

K. Parents for life is a given; Friends for life is hard work

• We're always a parent but becoming our child's friend takes hard work.
• Jesus reminds us that, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down  one's life for this friends".
• make a list of what feel contributes to your friendship with your grown children. Talk it over with your children and see if those things are a blessing to them.
• Ask them to add to the list what they desire as part of friendship with you.
• Make a plan to continue blessing your children no matter how old you each are.

Next lesson : Destiny

Parents For Life

Week 7 - Teaching

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"Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching"

Proverbs 1:8

Parents are to be the the primary teachers of their children.  The purpose of teaching our children is to impart wisdom, understanding, and knowledge.

There are many aspects of teaching our children :

1. Teach Your Child God's Word  (2 Timothy 3:16)

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Teaching our child God's Word is not a harsh demand for memorization of verses.  Instead we are to share what He says about them and their lives during our everyday comings and goings. (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)

2. Teach Your Children Who They Are In Christ  (Galations 2:20)

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A child's self esteem isn't rooted in performance - it's rooted in being. By confirming who your children are in the Lord will help them focus on God's plan, not what they can or can't do. Knowing who they are in Christ will :

(a) help a child overcome weakness

(b) affirm and encourage a child

(c) build trust between you and the child

(d) teach a cild lasting truths

(e) communicate your love and care

(f) construct character in your child

(g) lead to long-term growth and maturity

(h) strengthen your relationship with your child

3. Teach Your Child to Pray  (Luke 11:1)

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Praying is talking and listening to the Lord. Children learn to pray by watching parents pray. A child learns good habits of prayer when prayer is proactive, not reactive, in the home. By staying in an attitude of prayer both parents and children are ready for life's ups and downs.

4. Teach Your Child to Obey  (Deuteronomy 28:2)

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Children should be taught to obey and respect authority. Early in childhood a child should be taught to make simple right from wrong decisions. A consciousness of right and wrong ensures a cild will be more careful in dealing with others and with God. Learning to obey parents is the first step in learning to obey God.

5. Teach Your Child to Love  (John 15:12)

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Teach your child and show your child the love of God by the close interaction you have with Him. Teach your child to love others, even those difficult to love. Your child will be watching to see if you express love to others. Saying one thing and doing another teaches a child hypocrisy, not love.

6. Teach your Child to Make Wise Choices   (Deuteronomy 30:19)

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Steps in teaching your child to make right from wrong decisions:

(a) Consider the choice. Step back from the decision and consider all the choices facing you.

(b) Compare to God. Determine which choice(s) line up with God's nature and truth.

(c) Count the cost. Understand that right choices may result in short-term pain and long long-term gain. Wrong choices often bring immediate pleasure and self-gratification but result in long-term harvest of sorrow and pain. Children re faced with important decisions every day. You cannot anticipate every decision your child will have to make.   Equip your child to make right choices even when you are not with them.

(d) Choose the right. When you know what is right, do it.

7. Teach Your Child To Take Responsibility  (1 John 1:9)

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Teach your child to take responsibility for their feelings and actions. Children who take responsibility for their own actions have a greater desire to change their actions. Blaming others only creates a victim mentality in the child.  Once a child has ventilated, teach him or her how to express feelings and thoughts respectfully and in a kind manner. To teach, though, you must first listen, understand, and respond with edification instead of attacking what your child has said.

8 Teach You Child To Solve Problems  (Philippians 4:13)

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Solving problems means children learn to take steps that will eventually lead them out of the problem and into the solution. Solution don't help instantly, but step-by-step. With God's help any problem can be solved. Do not train children to cope-survive in spite of problems. Coping allows problems to go unsolved while falsely believing they will just go away. Problem solving faces problems and finds solution.

Problem solving skills are not caught, they are taught. Taught by example. Your child watches you solve problem. Then they are taught verbally. You go through the process of arriving at solutions and answer the child's questions about the process along the way. As your child begins solving problems, play back for her what she did in solving the problem. Initially it takes a lot of time to teach a child to problem solve, but in the long run a child will learn to make right decisions.

9. Teach Your Child To Distinguish Between Wants and Needs

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Children need help distinguishing between what they need and what they want. Wants are based on immediate urges that aren't necessary for a child's health, safety, and well-being. Look for ways to meet your child's needs instead of gratifying his or her wants just to keep the child "out of your hair".

The majority of our teaching and training needs to focus on do's. Within your child's boundaries there are acceptable actions and attitudes that bring blessing. Teach you child to express needs in a positive manner: e.g "I'm hungry. What can we eat?" "I'm thirsty, may I have a drink?" "I'm cold. I need a coat." "I'm tired. I need to rest." You can respond to needs by meting them or explaining what will be done. Example "You need to do a fun, creative activity if you are bored."

A life filled with 'don'ts' is very frustrating.

Focus on what a child can do to met his or her need instead of what he or she can't do to meet a want.

10. Teach Your Child to Choose Blessing Rather Than Cursing  (Deuteronomy 30:19)

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It is important to understand your child has choices just like you do.  Every day your child faces choices that will determine whether he or she walks in God's blessings. Blessing comes from serving only God. Curses come from disobedience and worship of self or another god. As we sow love and compassion into our children, they will be equipped to love God and others. By so doing they will choose to bless, not to curse.

11. Teach Your Child to Have Purpose and To Plan  (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Children need to know they were created for a godly purpose. You need to help them discover that purpose before they make plans for their future. Children need to know that what they do today will affect their tomorrow. Help them see if their plans line up with God's purpose for them. Anything that contributes to God's plan is on purpose.

Start Fresh Today

Perhaps going through all these lessons you have thought of things you have done or said in training and teaching your children you now know are unproductive. Even now as you set out to do things correctly, you may discover you make mistakes along the way. You may react emotionally or rashly to our children's behavior.  And in moment of stress may react and do or say things we know are wrong. When we recognize we are doing these things, we need to repent immediately. Our children learn to repent by imitating our repentance. The hardest three words a parent may ever have to say to a child are, "I was wrong." Such confessions can uild trust and intimacy between parents and children. We train our children to confess and repent by modeling.

Admit It

When you realize you were wrong says, "I was wrong when...... Will you forgive me?" Teach your child to say and do the same thing.

Quit It

Stop doing what is wrong. The fruit of sincere repentance is a change in direction. Teach your child about true repentance by example.

Forget It

Neither you nor your child has permission to bring up past sins that have been confessed and forgiven. Teach your child to forget and let go of their past failures and mistakes as well as your.

Next lesson - Release

Parents For Life

Week 6 - Discipline

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A)  Discipline Is based in God's Authority, Not our Power.

1. How many times do you have to threaten before your child obeys? How loud do you have to be to get your child to pay attention? This is not discipline. Too often we react to our child's negative behavior and make 'on the spot' decisions about what to do or say. We are to exercise parental authority God's way, in His time, and for His purpose. Exercising authority in a heavy-handed way intimidates a small child. We can be loving, gentle, fair teachers of truth who communicate God's way to a child.

B)  Proactive or Reactive?

1. Setting boundaries to help them is proactive parenting. Boundaries are drawn in advance. Consequences are known in advance.
2. Being reactive means i) trying to make immediate decisions about correction and consequences. ii) responding to our emotions instead of our child's needs. iii) attempting to make quick decisions instead of implementing prior decisions.
3. You must agree as parents how our will discipline your child(ren). Proactive decisions must be made ahead of time. Children recognize when parents don't agree and will play one parent against the other. Your goal is develop your child's character not teach him/her to manipulate the system.

C)  Discipline takes time

1. Immediate gratification is taught by the world with fast foods, instant answers, and microwave meals. Instant credit brings long-term debt and short-term. Gratifying our wants can bring momentary pleasure but long-term tragic consequences. Giving a child what he/she wants to pacify him/her will never teach here the virtues of patience.  
2. Discipline takes time, effort, and patience. The fruit is godly character. As parent, be willing to pay the price of godly discipline. Though it may cost short-term pain of time, hard work, and consistent effort, the reward will be great. What you sow into your child will be reaped in godly character.

D)  Steps in Discipline

1. Discipline is not punishment. Punishment purposes to hurt and crush the spirit. Never discipline a child when reacting emotionally in anger to his words or behavior. When a parent punishes out of anger, a child only learns how not to provoke anger. If you are angry or distraught, do not discipline until you have dealt with these emotions. The goal of discipline is to bring a child to repentance and is meant to be a blessing.
2. Discipline must be accompanied by forgiveness. Forgiveness is never an option; it's a must. Forgiveness brings healing and restoration to our child's life. Forgiveness doesn't make you permissive, it makes you like the Father.
3. Discipline includes taking responsibility for actions. Ask the child to verbalize the previously agreed upon consequence for violating the boundary. This cause the child to accept responsibility for his or her action. Children will always offer excuses and seek exceptions from consequences, remember, you're the parents, the adults who must remain firm in discipline. You must be consistent in administering the previously stated consequences or you will train your children that truth is relative and consequences are optional.

E)  Levels of Discipline

1. Verbal Correction. Discipline uses rebuke first. Rebuke allows a child to correct behavior or attitude by his or her own choice.
2. Consequential Correction. If a child does not respond to rebuke, then chastening follows. Chastening such as isolation, grounding, or removal of privilege brings to light a wrong motive or attitude behind a child's words or behavior. Chastening explains the wrong and teaches the right, helping a child take responsibility for or her actions.
3. Physical Correction. Physical discipline (spanking) becomes necessary when rebuke and chastening fail to turn a child t o repentance. Never spank a child when you're angry or distraught. Take time to deal with your own emotions before bringing correction to your child. Physical discipline applied to simply hurt or crush the spirit is abuse. Spanking is a swat or two on the behind to show a child that the parent is serious about the child stopping the wrong behavior, repenting, and doing the right thing.
4. Training a young child requires immediate consequences for disobedience. Give a calm warning stating the consequence if the child fails to obey. If the child refuses to obey, take immediate action implementing the consequence. A spoon is a neutral object rather t han a parent's hand. 1 or 2 swats will sting but not abuse the child. As a child matures consequential correction works best.

F)  Discipline Changes as Children Grow and Mature

1. As children mature they can take a more proactive part in establishing boundaries and consequences. 
2. Contracts are proactive agreements made between parent and cild that state the expected behavior and the consequences for violating the contract.
3. Contract may also state rewards for obedience.
4. Another word for contract is promise. The child promises to obey and the parent promises to hold him accountable.
5. A contract helps a parent to put responsibility on the child for both making right decisions and for knowing the consequences for disobedience.
6. Contracts allow parents to teach responsibility in advance. They also keep parents from overreacting in the heat of anger or disappointment. 

G)  Discipline Corrects Attitudes s Well As Actions

1. An emerging negative attitude needs correction early or he child will assume the attitude is right. 
2. The parents must teach right attitudes and behavior or the world will.
3. You ultimately know a child's attitude by behavior not words. Note facial expressions, eye contact, body language-movement and position of hands and legs, gestures, tone of voice.
4. When a child is acting inappropriately, let them watch their behavior in a mirror. Children must learn to see themselves as others see them.
5. A child who obeys with a poor attitude is not submitted to authority.

H)  True Fear Of the Lord

1. The motivation for making right decisions is a desire to obey and please God, not just please parents. A child who fears parents simply avoids attracting the parent's attention so that parents will not suspect wrongdoing. In early years fearing a parent may control a child's behavior but as the child gets older, fear doesn't deter wrong behavior.
2. The child learns to hide unacceptable behavior from the parent and works hard not to get caught rather than to please God.
3. Fearing God teaches a child to respect both  God's character and His commands. It motivates a child to be righteous knowing that God not only knows everything he or she does but the inner thoughts and motives as well.
4. A child learns that fearing God produces wisdom, knowledge, and understanding to make right decisions in his or her life.

Fearing a parent instills a spirit of deception and deceit; fearing God inspires a respect for authority. Psalm 111:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; A good understanding have all those who do His commandments....."

Next lesson : Teaching.

Apple of my eye....

After the files/documents missing episode, next was the keyboard:( 

There are a number of keys totally out of function i.e. 4, R, F and V.  And as you can see, they are all on the same vertical line... we were helpless for a few days, until we plug in an external keyboard, save the day! 

Parents For Life

Week 5 - Training

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"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." ~ Proverbs 22:6.

A) The purpose of Training is to develop godly character in our children  

• Galations 5:22 "...the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."  These are the godly characteristics that training should produce in a child. Parenting is not about making rules but rather building relationship. Your relationship with your child is the bridge for communication, understanding, sharing, and growing together.
  

B) Establish Healthy Boundaries

1. Training precedes teaching.  Too often parents teach young children only to realize all too late that their children know a lot but are poorly trained.
   
2. The first step in training is to establish boundaries appropriate to the age of the child 
3. Boundaries expand with maturity and acceptance of responsibility. You are the best judge as parents what responsibility your child will accept.  As a child matures and accepts more responsibility, external boundaries are decreased. The more a child internalizes boundaries, the less need there is to impose them externally. As a child matures, training also decrease and teaching increases.
4. Boundaries change with maturity, but truth remains the same.

C) Establishing Consequences and Rewards

1. Training should teach children that they have the freedom to choose but that there are consequences to choices.  As you clearly delineate a child's boundaries, explain ahead of time what the consequences will be if the boundaries are violated.
2. Consequences need to go into effect the first time a boundary is violated. Consistency is one of the most important principles of training.
3. Rewards are important as part of boundaries.  Rewards should not be used to bribe children.  They are blessing.
4. Training children well when they are young enables them to participate in establishing boundaries and consequences when they are older.  Parents can enter into contracts with older children.

D) What Training is Not

1. Training is not manipulation. Manipulation uses bribes, false promises, and deceit to get our way. Manipulation creates children who are unable to trust others or us because they believe adults are controlling. Teach your child the truth and equip him or her to make right from wrong decisions and trust them to make more and more of their own decisions. When they make wrong decisions, help them correct the mistake and learn from it.
2. Training is not domination. Domination seeks to control a child's thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and will. Domination causes a child to fail to mature and to be able to make their own decision.
3. Training is not intimidation. Intimidation seeks to control a child by fear. A child obeys out of fear of emotional or physical pain which is usually abusive. Physical intimidation uses beating. Emotional intimidation uses angry, degrading words and actions. Mental intimidation tries to make a child look dumb. All intimidation is abusive! Out of fear, a child may obey an intimidating parent but inwardly the child will grow rebellious and mean and will eventually intimidate others.

E)  When things go wrong, don't cry - INTERCEDE!

Next lesson - Discipline

Being Teacher

Last Sunday marked a great significance for both of us.  As Leaders-In-Training (LIT), we're required to teach at least one or two lessons.

I remember at my pastor's birthday dinner in September, after thanking him for teaching us and his timely guidance, I told him that "....I'm ready to teach..." and here I am! 

We learnt so much for the last three weeks.  We learnt not just about being good parents, but also as husband and wife.  Investing time in our children is as important as investing time in your spouse, remember that! :)

Apple of my eye....

Sent my Apple iBook to the shop to retrieve all my document files that vanished without any warning 10 days ago, sigh....!!  I know, I know!! I should have back up the files, but I didn't....

Anyway, got it back yesterday.  They couldn't retrieve any of it.... :(